The Ogilvy Piper Tradition
Every day between noon and 1pm, something interesting happens at a downtown Montreal department store. A piper steps out from a changing room and marches through the main aisles of the store, from the top floor down to the main floor. When weather permits, he slips out the front door to play a few wee tunes on Saint Catherine Street. Then he re-enters the building on Mountain Street, and plays through the basement.
Ladies, for every item purchased at Ogilvy's you get a free minute to stare at the piper's legs!
This is a tradition that goes back to the 1950s, and was started to pay homage to the original owners of the store, who were Scottish. I am proud to say that I have been part of this tradition since around 1992. The job got passed on to me by the famous Greenfield Park Piper, Tim Mundy (He was also one of the Sergeants in the Black Watch).
If you want to see me play some wicked tunes through the store, come on down to Ogilvy's between noon and 1 pm. I love to take the time to play a few tunes in front of the store, driving the local busker, "The Spoonman", up the wall.
It's also amusing to see how many
of the salespersons inside Ogilvy's grit their teeth, block their ears, shut
their eyes, run away or act in some other absolutely rude manner in reaction to
my playing. They just don't get it... the piper's been around longer than every
store that rents space in Ogilvy's and we will be there until the day they
decide to pack it in. 
Anyhow I have such a good time playing there, it should be outlawed. Below are some of the more humorous moments from my times at Ogilvy's.
Overheard Recently @ Ogilvy's:
Customer (lady, mid-60s): "Piper do you toss the caber as well as play the bagpipes?"
Ogilvy Piper: "Actually Ma'am, I eat cabers for breakfast!"
A Few Wee Anecdotes
A piper was marching home from a job as there were no buses available due to a transit strike. He passed through a park, where several squirrels were gathering nuts to help them survive the long winter. The piper looked down at his kilt, shuddered and quickly made a beeline straight out of the park!
An ex-mayor of a West End municipality which shall go unnamed was getting a community centre named after him. A fellow politician from a nearby town was introducing him, explaining that the ex-Mayor was born in the Maritimes, and was known to play the pipes from time to time. As the piper sat there, waiting for his cue to play in the cold late November air, he thought to himself, "let's go pal this isn't a East Coast sea spray blowing up my kilt, it's a frigid Nor'easter!"
Once I was at a wedding, and the groom was all decked out and wearing one of those sealskin sporrans. I walk into the room in full dress with horsehair sporran... The bride's Mom looks at my sporran and her eyes widen. She asks me, "what is the difference between the groom's sporran and yours?" I looked at her and with the most serious face I can manage I reply, "Well Ma'am as you can plainly see, mine is longer and much hairier!!!"
A Few Wee Jokes
I hear alot of bagpipe jokes and many of them are kind of lame. But when I hear a good one I like to keep note of it. So here are a couple of "the chosen few".
(both of these were sent to me by Deb Clark, a piper friend from Australia!)
1) The World Champions
(By some rare chance) a piper ends up in hell. Satan passes him
one day and says, "Well, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell ye the truth son, the Maxville Highland games was hotter
than this"
So Satan has the demons start stoking the furnaces more. The next day Satan asks
again, "Hey, Scotty, hot enough for you?"
"Well, to tell ye the truth son, the Montreal Highland games was just as
hot"
So Satan has the demons REALLY start stoking the furnaces. The furnaces are so
hot they're glowing cherry red and the demons are startng to pass out from the
heat. After a day of this Satan asks "Well Scotty, hot enough for you
now?!"
"Well, to tell ye the truth son, my band practice hall was just as
hot"
Satan is furious. Tells his demons to shut off the furnace. Cranks the air
conditioning on. ALL THE WAY,. ICE IS EVERYWHERE.
The next hour Satan goes to see the piper. He's shivering and slapping himself
to try to stay warm, but he's jumping up and down celebrating.
Satan looks at him and says,"Now, Scotty, you're obviously not doing well
in this cold. Just why are you celebrating?"
Scotty says to him "Are you kiddin, Man? Hell's just frozen over! That
means MY BAND JUST WON THE WORLD PIPE BAND CHAMPIONSHIPS!
2) Two girls are walking
along when they hear. "Psst! Down here!" They both look down and see a
frog sitting beside the road. The frog says to them, "Hey, if you kiss me
I'll turn into a world famous bagpiper and make you both rich and famous!"
The two girls looked at each other, and one of them reached down and grabbed the
frog and stuffed it in her pocket. The other girl said, "What did you do
that for?" The first replied, "I'm not stupid. I know a talking frog
is worth heaps more than a famous bagpiper any day"
3) I am Scottish
I'm no' a coal minor, an engineer nor an inventor.
I dinna live south of Hadrian's wall.
I dinna eat Yorkshire pudding.
And I dinna call my Mither, "Mummy".
And I dinna ken Angus, Duncan, Hamish or Malcolm frae Aberdeen,
though I'm certain they're very angry people.
I drink ale for breakfast and Scotch for dinner.
I wear naething under ma kilt except ma socks and shoes.
I believe in cash bars as long as you're paying.
And I pronounce it SCOTSMAN, not SCATCH-MAN.
I can proudly smash ma country's flag oe'r anyone's heed during the
world cup.
"Mince and tatties" are meat and potatoes, "Nips and Neeps" is a
wee dram of Scotch and a spoonfu' o' mashed turnip.
The contents of haggis are nae more digusting than the english
banger you ate last nicht.
And Blood Puddin' could be worse . it could be YOUR BLOOD !!!
A Glasgow Kiss is a painful head-butt.
A "sgian dhu" is a wee knife kept in the sock o' a Scotsmen (or
the back of an Englishmen).
The Romans could never conquer the blue-face, painted, tattooed
oatmeal savages frae the Hielans !!!
My name is Alistair !!! AND I AM SCOTTISH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Away n' bile yer heid, ye nest o' schemin bastards!!!
You're mithers curse ye ! You spittle !!!! Aye!
